{"id":207,"date":"2022-06-08T11:51:46","date_gmt":"2022-06-08T11:51:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rebbetzins.org\/resources\/?p=207"},"modified":"2024-08-02T13:32:18","modified_gmt":"2024-08-02T13:32:18","slug":"check-your-date-before-the-door","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fargate.dev.rebbetzins.org\/resources\/check-your-date-before-the-door\/","title":{"rendered":"Check Your Date Before the Door"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It may seem challenging to match up those you love most based on the say-so of 5 strangers. Yet, by and
large, the method works. How does it work, and how do we ask the most appropriate and pertinent
questions?<\/p>\n\n\n\n


Let\u2019s remind ourselves of the difference between secular dating and observant dating to better
understand what \u201cchecking references\u201d is all about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


The secular dating process progresses from hand to heart to head. First, I see if I\u2019m physically attracted to
my date, then whether I can connect emotionally. If both of those check out I begin to think about if our
life goals line up. If so, congratulations!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n


Observant dating says, let\u2019s work backward from head to heart to hand. Let\u2019s focus on what I NEED first
as opposed to what I WANT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


You should identify the top 5 qualities that are most important to you in a relationship before you begin
dating. What kind of person is most compatible with who I am and who will provide the best balance to
my personality? What type of home do I want to build? Who can help me fulfill my life goals and
aspirations and what do I want out of a relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n


This avoids building a deeper connection with a good person who may be wrong for us. We never want
to \u201cFALL\u201d in love, we may bang our head. We want to be a proactive participant in this process, and not
be swayed by emotional or physical influences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


That said, what research questions should be asked? More importantly, how should we listen so that
we\u2019re best processing responses?<\/p>\n\n\n\n


Below is a list of commonly asked questions and tips for shidduch research. Make sure to tailor these to
the individual. <\/p>\n\n\n\n


You can check any prospective match until you\u2019ve gone crazy. What\u2019s critical is that you have enough
comfort to meet this person for 1 date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Make sure the information you\u2019ve been given about family, job, community, personality etc. is
    factually correct.<\/li>
  2. Always listen for enthusiasm\/positivity or it\u2019s opposite. Listen for what is NOT being said. \u201cI think he
    goes to minyan\u201d or \u201cHe is the first one at shachris each morning\u201d<\/li>
  3. Ask for examples when told how \u201camazing\u201d or \u201cspecial\u201d this person is. The more details the better.<\/li>
  4. What type of hashkafa or level of observance do they currently maintain?<\/li>
  5. What type of home does this person see themselves building? Ask for examples and details.<\/li>
  6. Can you describe 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses of this individual?<\/li>
  7. What type of home did this individual grow up in? Note: Coming from an unhealthy home should not
    be a disqualifier if they\u2019ve dealt with it in a healthy way.<\/li>
  8. Any specific needs you believe are critical for you. Ex: \u201cHow intelligent are they?\u201d \u201cWhat type of
    intelligence: social intelligence, book smarts, street smarts?\u201d<\/li>
  9. What goals and values, such as integrity, community, an open home, idealism, etc., do they hold
    dear?<\/li>
  10. Are they a happy person? What makes them happy?<\/li>
  11. Do they want children?<\/li>
  12. What is their level of materialistic needs?
    You can check any prospective match until you\u2019ve gone crazy. What\u2019s critical is that you have enough
    comfort to meet this person for 1 date. After that one meeting, you can do more research. If there\u2019s no
    attraction or chemistry, the match is over and additional research is a waste.
    With this system in place, we can secure relationships that are not only meaningful and connective but
    have the potential for a long-lasting future. Just remember that dating should be the shortest route to
    your longest relationship.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    By Rachel Burnham <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    It may seem challenging to match up those you love most based on the say-so of 5 strangers. Yet, by andlarge, the method works. 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